It's funny the lessons God teaches you. The way He works is often considered "mysterious" as we are going through the muck and mire, but in the end, when you can see how everything expertly fit together with not so much as a single seam, you realize that His ways are not so much "mysterious" as they are an intricately woven tapestry that is our lives. So many times, when the storm is raging, it is easy to look up to the sky, shake your fists and ask "why God? why would you let this happen to me?" But the truth is that we are children of free will. We make our own choices. It is a matter of listening and paying attention to the road signs God has placed in our path that determines if we will follow that beautiful pattern He laid out for us from the moment we were conceived, or if we will make our own pattern. Either way, I believe we end up where we are supposed to go. I just believe that the way God has planned for us has proven to be so much easier in the long run.
At 32, I know that I have not learned all of the lessons that I need to in order to function the way God would have me. But I would think I at least had a good start! These last several months have proven that I am still so young in so many ways. I look back on the last 10 years - that is how long Patrick and I have been married - and I see how I thought I knew just what I wanted and just how it should be. But moving forward and watching the twists and turns in our lives I see where we tried so hard to do things our way and failed and where we left things to God and got right where we needed to be.
We have cause to celebrate these days. Not that there has been any finality recently, but things appear - at least for now - to be on the upward swing. But in seeing the many things we have to be thankful for, I am also seeing the reason we are here. My blessings are at the result of someone else's suffering. Did I cause that suffering? No! Did I make people make the choices they did? No, of course not! But is the result of those choices bringing me joy and them pain? Yes. A lot of pain. And I am in the position this time around to actually see that unfolding as it is happening. I am not blissfully living in the bubble of my own world with no idea how the things that are unfolding are affecting everyone involved. I am not completely ignorant. The world of a foster parent includes exposure to some tough things. It is no "creme puff" life when you are dealing with children who have been abused and neglected. I have always been realistic in my acceptance and understanding of how things work. I have lived my own experiences enough to know that while I may not be all that "street savvy" I have a general idea of how things work. But that does nothing to prepare you for watching the daily struggle of someone who is suffering while you are rejoicing.
I titled this post "Be Careful What You Pray For" as a reminder to myself. Throughout the last year I have made it a point to not pray for a specific outcome with this placement. I have made it a point to pray for God's will in this situation. I have prayed that God's will be done and that He give me the peace and openness to accept His will no matter what that may turn out to be. I have focused on my faith and trust in His path and while it has been easy to falter in the last several months - as the peacefulness and ease of the first 6 months wore off and we started to get down to the nitty gritty drama - I have made it a point to continue to pray not that things will work in our favor, but that I will continue to have faith and trust that He will take care of ALL of us, no matter how grim it may seem. And seeing what I have seen the last several weeks, I am glad I did. Because being careful what you pray for is not always just for the funny, ironic things or the things that turn out to not be what you wanted after all. Sometimes it is the only way you can live with yourself after the "fat lady sings" and you know that your celebration is at the cost of someone else's loss.
This is most definitely one of the harder lessons I have had to learn. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. I struggle with reconciling my joy over what someone else's bad choices are bringing us and seeing the effect those choices have on everyone involved. I understand that I am not responsible for anyone's suffering. But the knowledge that my joy is someone else's pain still stings. I remind myself to at least keep in mind that some things come at a price and to continue to pray as a servant of God's will and not my own. As I have learned in other life lessons, His plans always work out to be just what we need and in better harmony than anything I could every put together on my own!
Till next time...
