So that blogging thing I was going to start doing again...

Well....I had grand intentions to start blogging again.  I really envisioned it being a space where I could sort of expel these words that seem to always be floating around in my head.  I have thoughts, y'all...lots of thoughts.  But the thing is, when I tried to sit down and compile the tornado of words and phrases in my mind into some kind of cohesive post about something that would be anywhere near something someone else would want to read, I would freeze.  I have had people tell me I needed to write a book about the adventures of this crazy family I have.  I laugh because while my children are definitely hysterical and for sure say "the darndest things", I am the opposite of funny.  I'm also pretty sure that what I have to offer the world is nothing anyone else hasn't already offered.  I don't have a lot of original thoughts or a "blogging niche" to fill.  A blog - or a book even - about our every day crazy adventures seems silly.  But, then again, how nice it has been to float back through the posts on this blog from a million years ago and remember things I had forgotten (because I am trying to squish far too many other things in my brain these days).  So, I am going to really make a real effort to do this thing.  Even if it never does anything other than chronicle the craziness and  help to clear the clutter from my skull, it will be worth it for me and that's good enough!

So if there is some lost set of eyes that just happens to be reading these posts because you wondered off the beaten path and got completely turned around and somehow landed on this page of awesomeness, let it be known that I hope that something about my ramblings will bless you in some way or another.  I will try to limit the run on sentences and grammatical errors (remember, my brain can only hold so much information and right now it is between my kids' birthdays and where to properly put a comma...I'll just comma everything for good measure!).

Dr. Jim Bob Haggerton said recently at a conference I attended, "In order for it to be a valley, there has to be two mountains on either side.  The ONLY way you don't get through to the next blessing is to sit in that valley.  Just put one foot in front of the other and keep walking."  Ya'll...I've been sitting in that valley.  I didn't know I was sitting in a valley.  I sort of just looked up one day and realized there was a river and trees all around me and these high walls on all sides.  Suddenly it donned on me that I am IN the valley.  And this isn't one of those things where I just fell down the side of the mountain I was on and gracefully landed in the valley.  I had slowly trekked down that mountain and I have been blindly walking around this valley for a while now.  I am not sure where along the way my path diverted.  I must have been doing my thing...blinders on, plowing forward towards the goal I was sure God had laid before me and knocking all those silly obstacles out of my way.  Thing is, I wasn't making much headway.  So I must have diverted to try another path so I could demo my way through like a juggernaut on a mission.  You see, when I get on a mission, neither hell or high water is going to knock me from it.  God Himself has to use a "John Henry" sledgehammer to knock me down a few pegs so I will pay attention.  I think, maybe, that's how I "woke up" enough to notice I was in the valley to begin with.  

I want to pause right here and be clear.  I know I am being a bit of a brat.  When I call it a "valley" in my life I know I don't really have much to complain about.  I mean, we have a house, two cars, my husband has a job and I get to stay home with our kids.  There are about 541 million other things about my life that are not really "living in a valley".  But that's the thing.  Every person's valley is different and frankly, it's not about the physical things anyways.  I would have been in a valley in my life even if I had all the money in the world.  My valley is emotional, spiritual, not physical.  Even as I write this I think it sounds silly.  Am I just being over-dramatic?  It happens to me (a lot) so I have to check myself like that on a regular basis!  Whether it is legitimate or not, it still feels like a valley to me.  

I kinda looked around and panicked.  The thing is, my valley was self-delivered.  I put myself here and yet I looked to everyone and their brother to blame for me being there.  I blamed my health. I blamed my kids. I blamed my husband. I blamed my co-workers/team.  I even blamed God.  I could not be responsible for this valley....I am a good person and I do the best things I can with what I have been given.  But, I looked around and didn't see what I liked very much and the thing is...it all pointed back to me.  This discovery of being in the valley was rough.  I tailspinned a bit.  And to be honest, I might just now be coming out of that tailspin.

I have been spending the last couple of weeks trying to figure out where I am supposed to be.  I am trying to spend as much time as I can trying to decipher God's will for my life and I keep coming up empty.  My husband starts student teaching in January and I don't have a clue how we are going to pay for things when he does that.  This terrifies me.  My kids are about to be home for the summer and I am still not 100% healed from my pituitary tumor.  I can't physically keep up with them like I want and that terrifies me.  We have had some behavior and development challenges with some of our kiddos this year.  That terrifies me.  My business is not where I wanted it to be at this point.  That breaks my heart.  So I keep looking to the future to see what path I am supposed to be following today to ensure these things are taken care of.  I believe in God's will and His provision for us and His protection over us and His strength filling me up.  But I haven't been accepting it with all the faith of a person who has truly let go of the control.  

You know what all this worrying and fear of the future and heartbreak has gotten me?  A big fat NOTHING.  God tells us to be still and rest in his presence.  You know, I thought that meant that when you get stressed out or just get crazy and can't handle the world that was what that meant?  Go to God and rest in his presence so He can give you peace and calm and then go slay that dragon when you are ready.  And while I do believe on some level that's what that means, I have grown to learn it means something completely different.  God wants us to live our lives in the present.  He wants us to focus our every moment on glorifying him and to be so consumed with His love that we can't even think about what the craziness of the future holds.  Do you understand how empowering that is?  DO you get the idea of the weight that has been lifted off of my shoulders?  Do you know that God has already planned your steps and is leading you to the greatest victory you can ever imagine?  So why do I need to keep tugging on that rope to get control back?  I don't.  I just need to live in the present and relish in knowing that God is in control and He can't deal with the mess that is planning my future.  I get to give this all to God and I get to simply live day to day doing His work and praising Him!  I am understanding now what a GIFT this really is! 

Of course, that doesn't mean that I sit around singing "kumbaya" all day long and ignoring the needs of my family or those around me.  It means that instead of having to plan and fret and scheme and prepare and anything else for what is going to happen tomorrow, I get to be present for my kids.  I get to be present for my husband.  I get to be present for my family and friends and I get to be present for myself.  I get to be in this crazy valley for a while and enjoy the place where God has me right now.  I get to experience the beautiful river and the abundance it offers.  I get to enjoy the shade of the trees and the wonder of the plants and animals that within and under them.  I get to take a break from the high soaring mountain peaks and wind and snow and just be right where I am.  I won't stay stagnant.  I won't just sit.  I will keep moving as I pay attention to all the details the valley has to offer and then, one day, the Lord will start me on the ascent to the top of the mountain again, just about the time I am ready to see some snow and feel some wind and soar.

Much love and many blessings,
Kellie    

Back in the saddle again...sort of...

I've decided that I am going to start "blogging" again.  I say that with the "" because I think it's funny to say I am a blogger.  I don't have a particular genre to fall in and I don't have any incredible talents to share with others or skills that I would say are worthy of showing others what to do.  I am not what one would call the typical blogger.  But....I have things in my head that sort of pop up and float around and get all mish-mashed together with no place to go.  I usually bounce over to my trusty Facebook account to share these random nuggets with no home, but frankly...that platform is simply not big enough for all the craziness in my head.  So, I said "Self, you have this blog from a million years ago already set up, why not use it!?!" And I said back, "Self, you are right!  Even if no one looks at it ever, it will be a great outlet and maybe my life will be a little less nuts and a little more smooth sailing if I can get some of this out there!"  You see...I talk to myself quite a bit and I feel as though this would really not be a lot different...especially if no one out there was actually reading what I post anyways!  

So, there's that.....

I'm not incredibly witty, nor am I laugh out loud funny.  I am not extremely smart, nor do I follow politics or fashion or even a lot of celebrity gossip or pop culture.  I am the absolute worst at quoting movies or songs and I can tell you right now, I am for certain the last person you want to have on your team for Trivial Pursuit!  But, my kids say and do the craziest things, my life is like an actual circus that never seems to end; there is never a dull moment around these parts!  But on occasion, the stars and moon and sun align and something incredibly hysterical or insightful comes flying out of my mouth in exactly the amazing way I pictured in my head and it needs a place to land.

So now that I have managed to paint such a lovely picture of why you should consider following along with me in this hot mess of a thing I call life with a husband, 5 kids and a dog, I encourage you to never.miss.a.single.post....you just never know when I might surprise you with pure blogging gold!

Much Love, 
The Princess and Her P!