See the reason I have been avoiding blogging - and the reason I feel a need for confession - is that I have not been a good foster parent this last 3 months. In reality, I have been a horrible foster parent. I am not even sure if I posted on here at all that we had a little girl in our home - 3 years old at the time we got her, she turned 4 a few weeks ago. I haven't even thought about posting updates or anything because honestly (there's that word again!) I haven't had anything nice to say. To say that this particular placement has been a challenge is really putting it mildly. But at the same time, when I describe those challenges for others - or others see this little girl we have had - it all seems false or blown way out of proportion, like I am making it all up as an excuse. The truth is (ugh - so much honesty!) she really wasn't a huge behavior problem in the sense that she didn't sneak out of the house or burn things or try to harm us in any way. She really is a well behaved child. But she is draining. She needs constant attention and reassurance and everything was a competition between her and our boys. If you sat back and watched them interacting you could see how she was setting them up for a reaction - any reaction would do really. She is like one of those bullies that everyone thinks the world of and would never believe was giving your wedgies or swirlies behind their backs (not that I really have ever had a bully do that to me, but you get the idea). She really reminds me of this bully that I dealt with as a little girl - I think her name was Aisha. No one ever believed me until one day my mom was in the garage while I was outside with Aisha. She didn't know my mom was in the garage and she stood on the corner and yelled taunts and mean awful things at me. My mom heard of course and well I had a new ally (though I know in reality my mom has ALWAYS been my ally!). Oh, I see I have digressed....
So back to the confession.....I have not been a very good foster parent. When I reflect on the time we have had this little girl I can't say confidently that we didn't cause more damage. I know that part of that is this little girl really should have never been in foster care to begin with. Of course I can't go in to too much detail, but I can say that it was far more traumatizing for her to be in foster care - ripped from the home she felt safe in and from her parents - than whatever she was facing at home. You don't normally find foster parents that will say that, but in this case I believe it is true. Where I failed is that I didn't allow her to work through those feelings like I should have. I didn't give her the patience she needed or the unconditional love or attention she needed. I didn't provide her with a place that she could be free to work through what she was dealing with. I was snippy and short tempered and always irritated and I yelled.... a lot. At first I could convince myself that I had to have a firm hand to give her some discipline and structure. But in reality, I was just irritated from the start. I was tired and drained all the time and it got to the point that I didn't look forward to going to pick up the kids from day care every day because I knew the pestering would start the moment we got in the car - not just me, but my boys too. Being completely and utterly honest and out in the open for all to see my nasty side - I have hated myself pretty much the whole time we have had this little one. It's like I couldn't help myself. I have been nasty to her and to my boys and to my husband - and only the threat of the dreaded "write up" or getting fired has kept me from being nasty to my co-workers. I hope that the rest of my friends and family have not felt the wrath too much as I can't honestly say I have been a very good support for anyone recently. I have really not been such a great person to be around at all.
So, what have I learned???? I learned that God really does take you to the edge of what you can do - to grow, to learn, to have faith - but I have also learned He doesn't leave you there by yourself. A dear friend sent me this verse that has become a new one of my favorites. I have it taped to my computer at work right where I can see it throughout the day.
Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10
That and Phillipeans 4:13 have become my mantras the last several months. Of course, I haven't done it without complaint....but I have learned to let go a little bit (not much - I am still a control freak of course!) and I have learned what we are capable of. I know now that we can not take children so close to our boys' ages. They don't do well with that kind of competition and they put themselves in their shoes too much. Gabe has been talking about going on visits with his birth parents again and his behavior has reverted a bit. A wise women told me that he has probably started questioning his own stability - will he have to leave too? I am heart broken at having put my children through that kind of turmoil again. I realize now that we have to change some things. I thank God that while the last 3 months has felt so much longer, that in the grand scheme of things it has not been that long and the "damage" can be undone. I know that we needed this placement to get some things right in our heads. I have calmed down a bit - I am not quite as anxious to get that next placement in like I was before. I am still *desperate* for a little girl (or two - shhhhh don't tell Patrick!) but I also know that God really does have a plan and no amount of kicking or screaming will get God to tell me what that plan is ahead of time - and He certainly is not going to consult me to make sure I am ok with the plan before putting it in action. That's a good thing too! If I had my way, things would have turned out a lot differently and I wouldn't have my wonderful boys for one thing! I say this all the time, but I guess HE really does know what He is doing! :)
As with any good confession comes the time to ask forgiveness. And so I do that "publicly" (like this little blog is all that public, but still) to my friends and family who read this. I am sorry for being so crabby and not supportive and not really available. I am sorry for retreating in to my sewing or crafting to just get away from it all. I am sorry for not asking about your lives or being involved in what is going on with you like a good friend would do (like all of you have done for me!). I also ask forgiveness from my husband and my children (which I will do my privately thank you very much) and from God for failing Him in this little learning opportunity. It took me right up until the bitter end to look to God for strength and peace and bit more nudging from Him than He should have had to do. I can't ask forgiveness from the little one that was with us (did I say out loud that she went home to her parents last night???) as she is already gone and I was too chicken to ask her forgiveness before she leaves. But I pray that I can find a way to work on that one. If nothing else to forgive myself for the way I have behaved. Guilt eats at a person so I know I am going to have to really work on that one. I don't know what God has in store for me yet (dang it!) but I know that if I put my trust and faith in Him, He will not let me go down this road on my own. I know that if I accept Him and His will, His plan for my life, I will not be going solo. I know that He has placed me right where I need to be, with the right family and friends and support that I need to get through life's many "learning opportunities" and to fulfill the plan He has for me. I just have to remember to let go.....I am working on that one....is there a 12 step program or something I can do...maybe something online I can do in my spare time or something....perhaps I will research that one. :)
Ok....confession over - mostly. Onward and upward, move forward, don't look in the rear view mirror, turn the page, start a new chapter, so forth and so on. While I am still licking my wounds on this one I say "Bring on the next challenge!" I know... I am a glutton for punishment...I always have done things the hard way! (ask my mom - I am still apologizing almost daily for all the gray hairs I caused - even if they are very distinguished gray hairs that my friend Elizabeth has done a lovely job of blending in for her but still!). Much love to you all and God Bless!
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