Here we go again!

Got another email yesterday about a possible placement for us.  It is the same thing as the last two - legal risk placement for a little girl who needs a possible forever home.  We submit our home study and wait, and wait, and wait. As I mentioned before, this is just kind of how this will be from now on until we either take our names off the list or we have a new placement (or both!).  So we play the waiting game again.  I am giving it a week (two max) to see if we hear anything. If not, we will know that God has a different plan for us and this little one as well.

For those curious here is what we know about this little one:

She is 6 months old and is Caucasian.  She has had some genetic testing showing ocular-auirculo-vertebral spectrum.  She was born with bi-lobal ears and is currently seeing a cranial-facial surgeon to reshape and re-attach her ears properly.  There is no hearing damage according to the tests being done now.  She was also born with ptosis of the left eye.  Basically it did not close ever.  They have done some manual training of the eye lid so that it does close properly now - though it is not "synced" with the right eye.  All of her spinal, renal and heart tests are normal.  She is only 15 pounds likely due to a understimulated sucking reflex.  She is currently in speech therapy for that.  It sounds a little bit "scarier" than I think it really is though.  Most of these "concerns" are cosmetic and they are already working on them.  She already has treatment and is being taken care of now, so it is really a matter of continuing that treatment.  According to the profile we received she is laid back, enjoys other children and is affectionate as well as playful.  This little one just needs a forever home with people who will love and accept her. 

My prayer (as hard as it is to NOT pray that she come to us specifically) is that she will find a safe, loving home with a family that will not only meet her needs but love her like nothing else.  Did I mention it is REALLY hard to not pray that she comes to us instead of praying for her general safety and God's will!  I know I am already in love and I haven't even seen a picture (see my last post).  Oh well, God knows what He is doing so I will trust in that!  As always we appreciate prayers and support!  God Bless!

Hey! How did you get in my head like that?

Some people just get it.  Some people you meet along this journey called life just really get you - get your passions, your fears, your humor (that last one is a little harder for me - I think I am WAY funnier than I really am!) and they just understand you.  It is a rarety really.  As a foster/adoptive parent, it is sometimes even more rare to find those people who really understand what parenting a child you did not birth is really about.  Even if that parenting time is only for a few short days, weeks, months.  They stick with you.  I still think about our first little one that we had for 10 whole days.  That was over two years ago, but my heart tugs when I look at her pictures on our wall.  My heart even tugs when I see pictures or think about our last little one - the one that we struggled with so much.  I knew she was not a forever child for us - I didn't even want her to be a forever child for us - but I hope and pray that she is happy and healthy and well cared for.  I even kinda miss her a little - as strange as it seems. 

These children have become a part of us no matter how long we had them or even how difficult that time period was.  They came in to our lives for a reason and we simply can't deny the lasting and permanent affect their time with us has on us as individuals and as a family.  It is trully not about DNA and I don't think, for me at least, that it has ever been about DNA.  I share this not as another random Kellie rambling, but as comment to this post I read today.  This is one of my absolute favorite blogs http://www.momtriedit.net/.  She is simply amazing with all of her crafts, advice, reviews and even life experiences that she shares with the blogging community.  I hungrily devour her blog daily and can't hardly wait for each new post - I know, I am a little obsessed!  She and her family have recently entered in to the foster/adoption world and she made a post on her blog today that really spoke to me - something I have thought in my brain all the time.  I share it because I really do believe that until you do something, you can't really know.  It's that whole walk a mile in a man's shoes thing that I suck at doing!

http://www.momtriedit.net/2010/10/how-important-is-dna.html

I do attempt to keep a separation there between foster and forever children - for my own sanity and benefit.  I try to build a solid wall around my heart so that it can be easier when they leave.  And for some to observe me from the outside that may be all you see.  But on the inside where I am honest with myself that wall crumbles the moment those kiddos walk in to my life.  To me, there is no separation really.  To me there is no difference. Not birthing these children doesn't make me love them any less.  A child calling me mommy and needing my comfort in the middle of the night and needing my protection from the scary things in their lives - that child can never be anything less than a daughter or son to me - even temporarily. 

I know that God puts people where He needs them to be, I know that He prepared me for this role He has me playing now.  I know that He gives each of us experiences and lessons and opportunities all to get us to each little milestone in our journey that He has for us.  I know that means that not everyone will be able to truly understand and believe in what I do - those people weren't "built" for this journey - it is MY journey unique to me.  How can others truly understand when it custom built for me?  So it is nice every now and then to find that someone who really gets me or understand me or even understands a brief glimpse of what I am going through, what my family is going through.  And so for that, from someone else's perspective, I share this post from this person miles and miles away, going through some very similar things who briefly captures a small part of what being a foster/adoptive parent is really about.  God Bless!

No News Really IS Good News!

Well, I kind of made today the "cut off" date to hear if we were picked for the adoption placement we submitted for.  As there has been no calls or emails (or texts or airplane banners or carrier pigeons...you get the idea!) I am going to say that we did not get picked.  I have run the gauntlet of emotions this week for so many reasons and I think I am finally at the acceptance stage.  Which is good considering this is the "deadline" date!  :) 

I expected to feel fully and completely disappointed if we reached today with no calls (or other sundry of communication techniques - see above!) and here we are and here I am feeling ok afterall.  I don't know what plan God has for us in continuing to grow our family, but I am actually excited to see what He has in store!  I am still anxious about not being in control, but I am honestly just looking forward to what He is going to do - whatever that may be!  He gave us Gabriel and Alex - there really isn't a lot more that could top that!  :)  (I mean really, have you seen my boys???  They are pretty stinking adorable!) 

So if He plans to exapnd our family even more then I can't even begin to imagine how awesome what He has in store for us will be! 

So here is to another wonderful day with my AMAZING family and for whatever God has in store for us - BRING IT ON!  :)  Much love and God Bless!

Have You Ever Been Convicted?

No, I don't mean incarcerated, I mean convicted as in felt so passionate about something you knew with great conviction that it was right?  The web dictionary I used defines conviction as "an unshakable belief in something without need for proof or evidence".  Ok, now think about that....no really....think hard about that.  How many times in your life have you trully felt convicted about something?  What was it?  What did you do about it?  Were you accepted or joined in your conviction?  Did you have to convince others of your beliefs?  Were you punished or abondaned or persecuted for your convictions?  What were you willing to give up (even if not asked) for those convictions?

A friend and I were talking recently about our convictions - specifically adoption and being a foster parent - and how those around us have reacted to what we are doing.  She was telling me of a few of her friends who just keep telling her over and over again (almost like a broken record) how they don't know how she does what she does and how special she must be to do it because they know they couldn't do it.  Her interpretation of that comment is they are really thinking "you are crazy for what you are doing.  No person in their right mind would do something that crazy - or scary."  It got me thinking....how many times have I thought something similar about something someone else is doing that I don't necessarily agree with?  I don't know (If I am being honest, probably more than I would like to think). 

The more I think about it, I realize that those times I have thought the same thing about others is because I really didn't know (and didn't take the time) to understand their conviction.  Don't get me wrong - there are some people out there that do some really crazy things and being "convicted" about it doesn't make it not crazy or right.  But I know there are times that I have thought what an awful decision someone was making and jumped to my own conclusions without getting all the information.  I don't know what those people are thinking.  I don't know what God has laid on their hearts.  I don't know what research or prayers or thoughts they went through before getting to that place.  I don't know what past experiences have planted the seeds for that particular conviction - often times because I never experienced it myself.  I don't know what they have witnessed that makes them feel so strongly about something.  And how would I know those things?  Ask I guess, but that is not always appropriate either.  Sometimes its the stuff behind the curtain that makes the most sense - and since most people like to keep those private things private (go figure right?!?) that's not always information that is available.

I have had a few recent experiences where I thought something was a certain way because the person who did it didn't think about everything all the way through - how stupid to set it up this way, what an idiot! - only to find out that it was being done that way because I had the wrong updates on my system or the wrong back story or made the wrong assumptions.  When I realized it (and subsequently corrected those wrong things) it changed my entire perspective about those situations.  I had my "aha moment" and things were very different after that.  As difficult as it is to imagine, I was actually W-R-O-N-G about what was really going on????!!!???  Wow!  (mark it down folks, it won't happen often that I admit that!). 

I think about how I feel when I am trully convicted about something and someone questions it or tries to convince me of something else.  There are some things in my life that I know I am wrong about and needed that extra encouragement, discussion or wisdom to correct what I was doing, and there are some things that I know deep in my very being that I am supposed to be doing them or that I am right (like what we are doing as foster/adoptive parents).  I don't know how to explain it sometimes or express it so others can also believe the way I do, but I just KNOW it.  I like to think that God has given me the strength and wisdom to stick with that conviction because it is of Him and for Him and part of His plan for me.  So far, those things that I feel deep in my soul have always proven to be the right things after all - the right path to take.  As I know how that feels, I also know how it feels to have someone question those convictions, to have someone not believe in what I believe despite my best efforts to show them. 

As such, I am going to mak e an effort to be better about not jumping to my own conclusions.  I am still human, so I know I won't make that 100% of the time, but I hope I can learn to be better about putting myself in someone else's shoes before I judge.  It's not my place to judge anyways....Sorry Lord, you know how I like to be in control and all...Let's think of it as an experiment...how will my perspective change?  What will I learn along the way?  How can I better support those people when I take myself out of the equation (after all - most of the time it is not my decision to make anyways, so why do I make it about me to begin with?)?  How will my relationship with that person improve?  I don't know, but I guess that it can't hurt to try!

What are my convictions you may ask?  Well, there are a few and they may not be the same as yours and that is really ok isn't it?  But if you really want to know my opinions, just ask - you know I will give them to you!  :)  God bless!

Playing the Waiting Game

So today is the last day the case worker for this little girl we mentioned a few days ago is accepting home studies for consideration.  We have no way of knowing how many other families have submitted home studies or even how many the case worker has reviewed yet - so we don't know if we are still in the "running" or not. (though the broadcast we received does have the caseworker's name and email on it so if I was feeling "stalkerish" I could contact her - you don't think she would think that was bad and throw our home study out do you?  :)  ).  So for now we play the waiting game.  Based on past experience they will not notify us if we have NOT been chosen.  So we will wait and if we have not heard anything in a certain period of time, we will have to just assume we were not chosen.  That makes this waiting game a bit harder because there is always that thought in the back of my mind that perhaps they just haven't made their decision yet.  But I know that they will make a decision in two weeks max and if we get to that point and have not heard anything we can count on the fact that we were not chosen.  And if I was being really honest with myself, I would say that if we don't hear anything by next Friday, we can assume that we were not chosen.

Not sure if you know this about me, but I don't like waiting.  I have never been a patient person - and NO I don't pray for patience anymore because I don't like those lessons thank you very much! - so this waiting thing eats at me.  It becomes almost impossible for me to function and to focus on anything else (as you will see in the next several posts I am sure!) and I get cranky (Again, I know you are shocked!).  So I am going to continue to try really, really, really, really, super duper hard to put this one in God's hands - and NOT yank it back out every 30 seconds.  That is going to be my challenge for the next week.  And as I think about that, I know it won't just be for the next week. 

You see, this is the way it will be for pretty much every possible placement we consider going forward.  Because we are not doing foster care anymore, we won't get the phone calls with someone saying they need a home that day for a little one.  This is because the little ones that will be presented to us will be available for adoption and that means they have been in someone's foster home for a while now.  That means that an entire "pool" of licensed families will be "vying" for the chance to be considered for each placement.  That means we will do this whole submit and wait game for almost every placement opportunity for as long as we stay on the list.  I say almost because there is always the VERY small chance that a birth parent will turn their child over to CPS and walk away - in which case they would be available for adoption and we might get called.  But that is very small - like microscopically small.  So we will do this every time and every time I will struggle with the waiting and every time I will have to remind myself (daily - no really hourly) to put it back in God's hands.  Wash, rinse, repeat....

So in addition to the other hundreds of prayers we have asked for, I would ask that you throw one more in the mix for us (I say us because I am impossible to live with when I get a "tizzy" like this!).  Please pray that I relinquish control in to God's VERY capable hands and that I can find peace with this process - not just this time, but every time.  (as I write this I am feeling a little better, but my hand is still in that half raised position poised and ready to snatch the control back at any moment!  I am SOOO bad about that!).

'Til next time, may God bless!

PLEASE PRAY

Hi All -

A few quick updates and then our prayer request!

Patrick and I have made some changes to our vacancy listing for foster care.  We are now on the list for a sibling group with no more than two children - girls two years or younger.  We are currently on the vacancy list but only for legal risk or adoption only placements - that means no more foster placements.  For those of you who don't know the "lingo" "legal risk" means that parental rights have not yet been terminated but they plan to terminate.  So by taking in these children we do risk that they will not stay permanently, but it also means we open ourselves up for a broader range of placements as they would technically be considered foster placements until rights are terminated.  Because of the age range we are looking at, we need to be open to these placements or risk a VERY long wait.  Which is ok too because we really are working on God's time and not our own! 

So we made this decision a few weeks ago and let our foster/adoption worker know.  She updated our listing and we have been just going along with our regular daily activities - really perfectly content with the way things are, but also knowing God will put the child (or children) in our home that He has planned for all of us. 

Today we got an email from our foster/adoption worker about a legal risk placement for a 6 month old Caucasian baby girl.  There are no special needs that they are aware of now and I do not have ANY history about this little angel.  She is legal risk because the birth parents have failed to show up for visitation for the last few weeks.  They will take that in to consideration when they determine the final permanency plan for this little one.  We have submitted our home study and will have to wait until at least next week (maybe longer) to find out if they have picked us, but we put our name in the hat.  SOOOOO that is where the prayer request comes in!  Please pray that God's will be done in this situation and that the BEST home for this little angel's needs is picked both for her and her possible new family.  Please pray that our family can be kept calm and content while waiting to know if we will be involved in this little one's life.  Please pray for the workers, current foster parents and birth family of this little one so that the right decisions can be made for her care.

We will keep you posted as we hear anything!